my one and only, "big mac"

to my one and only, "big mac":

i will probably never have the nerve to say this to your face without tearing up & showing you the side of me that i very often try to hide, even from my bestest friend, and the people closest to me, like my family ... but because it has hurt way too much, for way too long, and i don't have the energy to hold it inside my heart anymore, i'm letting it all out. from the time we've been apart up until now, there have been very few days in between where i haven't told God that i miss you, that i let you walk away because i was afraid of what He was doing in me when He brought you into my life and allowed our friendship get where it was going. i know that nothing justifies my illogical sense of fear and apprehension, nor am i trying to explain my mistake away. it's very simple.

a while back you said something like you "want" to/or would rather be alone because no woman would truly appreciate you for who you are.

i started to. i was learning. you brought me as a person, and my heart, to a place that i never thought it could go ... being free to love and be loved. then fear stepped in and i allowed it to intimidate me to the point where i made a decision to let you walk away, believing that i and my heart were not meant to be in that place, and so i had to leave as well.

the thing is, i don't want you to be alone, because i appreciate you. i never stopped. i don't ever want to stop. i don't want you to be alone, because i want to be with you. i want to support you, not just by sitting on the sidelines and being a friend or a "fan". i want to come alongside you and be the woman who brings out your shine, because i recognize and honor the Christ who placed His light inside of you. i want to build you up as you minister to the masses of the metropolitan area, through your passion for music and Christ-centered hip-hop that goes beyond the beat, and reaches the soul.

you would say, "teach me how to treat you." so, i say it back to you. "teach me how to treat you," because i want to learn. i want to change. i want to grow. i have done so without you, but i want to keep going, with you.