Hope is Hard to Come By.

I wrote this in response to my brother's tumblr post & thought I would share:

"Does it make me seem weak and un-guylike when i’m writing this all out? " - what prompted you to ask this question?

whether it seems weak or not, here's some truth - the fact that you even asked these questions shows strength. i've been learning for the last couple of years that in life, there are always transitions. as soon as you come through one, or a few, others come up ... i have also learned and am still learning though that transitions build, foster, and nurture character. i'm not going to lie ... it's hella hard - living alone, going to bed alone, having no one to come home to, or no one coming home to me, yeah ... BUT, God knows the desires of my, of our hearts & He has His desires for us, which are His best, His promises for us will be fulfilled in His time, in His way ... i have to believe that. it is hard, it is discouraging, it is tiring ... i am exhausted, especially in my relationship with God, but i am thankful that in God's time, He brought me to my church that i'm in now, the learning, the growing, the serving, and how God shows me every day, that whether in small group or not, i am leading people every day (positively or negatively) in the way i live my life, my inner and outer life ... that's such a convicting thing to face every day, and more often than not it makes me discouraged and sad because i question the difference that i make in the world, or really my relationship with Jesus or the lack of a relationship i have with Jesus that seemingly screws with my confidence in being a beacon that truly omits Light that makes the difference ... but death/suicide is not the answer(whether physical or spiritual), life is ... so, every day, i have to make the conscious decision to try again to give my life and every aspect of it over to God - my anger, my sadness, my future job, my lack of financial stability, my debt, my fear of relationships (family, friends, "romance"), and every day, i mess up in one way or another, because though i believe and somewhat trust, i have allowed life occurences and circumstances to get in the way of my relationship with God, and give Him the silent treatment at least once, every day.

the other day, after a long meeting at work, was the first time i had opened my mouth up to pray with two of my friends and confessed to them about the frustration i have in my heart towards myself and the lack of intimacy in my relationship with God, and though i want intimacy, the other part of me wants to stay away because in intimacy, though there is joy, the pain is three trillion times as much - but deep in my heart, i wake up every day, and i want to try, to try and give things over because that's about all i know how to do with the small little bit that is left in me.

hope is hard to come by these days, even though i believe and trust that "Jesus is the Answer for the world today ..." what is the most discouraging are those within the Church walls who seem not to reflect Christ and His nature, those people discourage me and are a stumbling block to me in my relationship with God ... whether they should be or not, well the reality is that they are ... if it is that we're supposed to focus on running the race together, why is it that so often we deter each other and distract each other from running the course?"