As of Late ...

I echo these things:

"I experience an existential loneliness I cannot even describe. I have had to build a thick wall around myself to keep getting up in the morning. I can barely expend the psychological energy required to engage {certain] horrific and unfair questions [...] There is no category for me, and trying to forge one [has been] draining my life away for far too long. And so I miss God." - Adapted from the article, "I Miss God" (which can be read here: http://www.patheos.com/Resources/Additional-Resources/IMiss-God?offset=2&max=1)

AND ...

"Today I said that I feel like 'unpacked boxes, a neglected attic, and misunderstood art.' Just thought it was a sentence worthy of some elaboration.

For whatever reason, today I feel all jumbled up. It may not be rational, but it's certainly frustrating. Nothing seems like it's where it ought to be--many nights I have wild, vexing dreams about things like trying (and failing) to remember lyrics to songs I have sung a thousand times, or children stealing things that belong to me; I wake up wondering what it is in my heart and my life that is so out of control. Some days I ask myself and the answer is nothing. Other days, the same question garners a response like a piercing scream from my tired mind--EVERYTHING. And you know what? In the clear light of most days I am quite all right with it, because I know with underlying certainty (strong as a cold steel beam) that my life is a vapor, and only God can hold onto me.

But today? Today, I hate it. I think it stinks. I feel like a gawky, awkward teenager who can't do anything right, and who can't feel what she ought to, and feels what she oughtn't. And today I went around ignoring it until it finally overwhelmed me and I made myself sit down and acknowledge my upset-ness, my confusion, my sheer inability to function on levels which, as a miserable fourteen year old, I thought surely I would have conquered by the ripe old age of twenty five.

Today, I am still confused--I am still awkward--I am still fourteen. I am fumbling and frustrated. My faith is small and afraid and wounded and sore. The only thing that keeps me sane on days like today is the knowledge that I can feel this way and God doesn't change. So [...] I plan on retiring to my room (which at least is a whole lot cleaner than it was when I was fourteen!) and laying down in my bed and closing my eyes, to rest my head on the shoulder of a Father who cares about my feeling stupid and dumb and misunderstood. So glad I have Him today." - From Audrey Assad's Monday, March 23, 2009 MySpace blog (which can be read here: http://blogs.myspace.com/audreyassad)

And with this I journey on forward ... For those who've asked, this is how I've been as of late.