I just journal-ed for a bit and wanted to document, record, and share it here (even if it is just for me to look back on). I usually go with the assumption that nobody really takes the time to read this and I do this for myself, really ... It's cathartic and therapeutic, especially when I don't have the finances to be seeing a counselor/therapist for an hour each week. Here's what I scribbled for today:
The Voice and Prayer of the Day today via Sojourners e-mail is oh so fitting for the thoughts that have been roaming around in my head for God knows how long now ... Thoughts like, 'If only I had an unlimited amount of money to pick up and go ...', OR 'If only I had the courage to pick up and move ....', but move to where? And with what money? I know that people like to say, "Money isn't everything ..." But from my observations and experiences, it sure as hell is A LOT of things! Not only do I feel so stuck, it would appear to be that I am SO stuck. Even for something as simple as trying to graduate ... I am so tired - I didn't even know how tired I really was ... Until now, that I have to consider the very real possibility of having to stay in school for just a bit longer than anticipated. I keep thinking that it is my fault - if I had called more people, pushed harder, put more time and effort into landing something, been more desperate ... It's all my fault. I messed up ... Everything - If I hadn't repeatedly overcharged my credit cards, I would not be in repeat debt, had an account closed that I still have to pay off ... If I had been more careful about choosing where I wanted to go to graduate school, I wouldn't be in this what seems like a mess that is inescapable right now, at this very moment.
What to do? Can this be fixed? What do I have to do? Is there anything I can do? One thing that I have learned in this whole experience with looking for an internship site is that rejection is not fun ... Silent rejection is actually the worst thing on the face of this planet, at least in my eye's view. This thought just crossed my mind: There is nowhere to run and no place to hide. Where is safety? Where is refuge? Where is shelter? (Even as I was writing this, certain phrases or sections of Scripture did come to my mind, especially ones that others and myself like to quote, but please do me a favor and don't quote them to me, just don't. I don't want to hear it right now ... I really just don't. So, I ask for no Scripture quoting, with every fiber of kindness in me). I just need a place to clear my mind and rest my head. I am tired of school. I am overwhelmed by the responsibility of having to pay back these enormous amounts (of money) in student loans, which require a job (and me getting one) because money doesn't grow on trees. And in this society, country, world ... the only way that some decent amount of money can be made is through working, performing a task, doing things - which people call a job.
It is upsetting to me that an education is no longer enough to even get an "ordinary" job. Then again, what job is ever that ordinary? It is also upsetting to me that having acquired skills or having the heart to learn a skill is no longer enough. Often, what "helps" one succeed is if they are quick, fast, etc. All of those things that either I am not or that I take a while to learn or become accustomed to ... So, that all begs the question - where exactly do I fit? In the world, in society, in the marketplace, in a culture of young urban professionals ... Where do I fit? I don't like to go to clubs or bars or drink or dance (neither do I know how) - I don't like alcohol. I like the outdoors, sitting on a porch (especially those wraparound porches), on the grass with a picnic blanket on top. I like spending time with children and talking to anyone who has been through anything (especially the elderly). I like listening to people, observing them ... I like sharing, helping, not competing. I like trees, wood, Fall leaves ... I also like staying inside. I'm what many would call a 'homebody'. I could stay in my apartment - write, blog, read, cook, listen to music, and not leave for days, not talk to anyone, no communication with the outside world for an extended period of time and I would be fine.
Writing that just made me think of a bear in hibernation. In many ways, I am like a bear. I have always said that my ultra dream job (well I have only shared this with my brother and written it down in an older journal entry from a couple of years back) would be to own, run, or work at (through a take over or hand over) a bed and breakfast with my husband and our kids (as they got older). The husband and the kids are imaginary at the moment, although I have written letters to them in my journals. We would live in a small little house right next door, in a town where most everything could be accessible through walking ... a quaint, small little town where I could take the kids on little walks, show them the different houses, little shops, trees, flowers, leaves ... I always thought that little towns like this only existed in places like Maine or Rhode Island ... Maybe there might be a few here in New York? Long Island, upstate ... Fear stops me from dreaming though. Even now ... I pause. Why, you ask? You see, I am legally blind in one eye (my left eye), and on top of being legally blind that same eye has other vision related medical problems (my peripheral vision is also pretty horrible) ... Not to mention that there are times where I have a really hard time seeing at night, for whatever reason. All this leads me to believe that I may not be able to drive because I may not meet any state's vision requirement set forth by the DMV ... That has always been a huge obstacle that occasionally creeps back up or in while I am dreaming big.
That, and to be a bit comical, who would want to own, run a bed and breakfast with me, in a quaint little town somewhere? You God-fearing, Jesus-loving men (single, unmarried) men out there ... any takers? =) I partially kid ... To get back to the original point of this whole piece (and I will end with this):
Voice of the Day - "Do not think that saintliness comes from occupation, it depends rather on what one is. The kind of work we do does not make us holy, but we may make it holy." - Meister Eckhart
Prayer of the Day - "God, give me the words to pray, the tongue to speak, and the wisdom to act. Amen."
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