In This Life ...

What was originally going to be a status update has now become a note because it got a tad bit long. I might just post it in a status update too in a bit, who knows?

This semester has been filled with so many changes. I've been busy enough that I haven't really had or taken much time to even begin processing through them. From being switched out of the accelerated internship class (where I had the same professor for three semesters now, and many of us became tight-knit because of those classes, many I also started out with) and going to another class, getting to know and used to another professor and another group of people (which I don't mind so much), but while having to miss the other people? I see some of them still, but it's not the same. I don't like that it's not the same.

At internship, my previous supervisor (who was a professor of mine and has become a dear friend) left our location and went to another one still within our agency. Even though he is just a text or call away (in case of emergency, etc.), it is not the same. I still enjoy what I'm doing, love being where I am, getting to know colleagues and recipients, and have even started building a relationship with my current supervisor (who is diligent, hardworking, skilled, humble ...) and that's great ... BUT it's NOT the same. Then, in between these two things, my very dear friend, Max (with his then pregnant wife) move to Kansas City and are starting a new chapter in their journey there.

Why is it that those who are closest to me also are the ones who are the farthest away (Letiah, Olivia)? I'd get so angry at times (because it REALLY SUCKS missing people) that'd I'd just stop e-mailing, writing, calling, picking up (but they are both really awesome about reaching out and keep trying even though it takes me forever to call them back). There is something about knowing that I am still loved, still considered a dear friend, even when I am hurting, only thinking about myself when I am in that hurt. The love of a dear friend who is still willing to reach out, even while they are hurt too ... That speaks of patience and forgiveness to me, on so many levels. Then the ones who are close to me and are geographically closer (Rachel, Kim, Dawn, Jenny, Megan, Pam J., to name a few), they have their own things, as do I and we all lead our lives, which prevents us from being there with each other, when we really want to be.

And finally, I have been attempting to figure out how exactly my church community fits into all of this. I feel guilty a lot of the time because it feels as though I am neglecting them, not spending as much time with them as I want to or should. It may not be true, but it's how I feel and how I've felt. I love my church. Many times though, it seems like there is a disconnect between my emotions, words, and actions, like they do not match. Maybe after graduation, the role that church has in my life will be more clearly defined.

All this to say, it sucks and it hurts missing people, so much so that often times in the past, I would try my hardest to pretend that they never existed, that our friendships never were, but that is pretty impossible because there are memories, moments, inside jokes, life-changing conversations ... And then, I'd be left with imprints of people who have left, had been sent away by God, or I'd leave and be sent by God somewhere else and the people who deeply impacted me, their imprints would be left in my heart and on my life. And this will just continue to repeat itself - graduation, leaving the old job and going into a new one ... Is this the way it is meant to be here in this life?

Addendum (while at work): Not that e-mails and phone calls are not good in and of themselves, they are. They are part of what the relational connection is compreised, part of what keeps the friendship going. It's just that for me, as I hear the person's voice or read their words and thoughts, those things are stark reminders of the fact that they are not with me and I am not with them, that their actual physical presence is not experienced. Those reminders are very painful, too painful to bear at times. That is why, when I get to the point where I've taken as much as I can handle, I just stop - stop writing, stop calling, stop picking up - and I take the time to feel the anger, feel the alone-ness, feel the sadness, feel the hurt, and feel the pain, so that some of it can be released. It's like a periodic thing for me to take a little time to step away, de-toxify, empty out the potentially toxic feelings and thoughts, and then continue on in being involved in a particular friendship so that it can continue (hopefully in a healthy way).

It hurts to miss people. It is areally painful thing to not have the actual physical presence of those people who have invested their time, energy and effort into knowing and "getting" (understanding) me or trying to know or "get" me, in my life (as I am sure it is painful and sucks for them too, to not have me physically present in their lives.

I have learned and am stil learning that resisting change is not a productive thing to do. So, over time, I have become less resistant to it. I still don't like it. It will just be one of those things that I really don't like in this life, even though it is practically unavoidable. Change could be in the form of regression or change could be in the form of progression, so in a way, change is neutral. I guess there are those times where change is just change and it may not be good or bad, or it may be that a significant amount of time has to pass before I ever come to find out if a change was good or bad. I might not ever know if the change was actually a good or bad.

Which leaves me to ask again, is this the way it is meant to be here in this life?