A Soul Alive

If I'm honest, I don't want money, fame, degrees, certifications, notoriety, a boyfriend, a marriage, children, a family of my own, a bathroom that has a great shower in it, a great kitchen with double burners, a double oven, and a stainless steel fridge, more than I want more of God's presence in my life, more of Him - His heart, His eyes, His ears, His character ... More than I want to see and know who He REALLY is and not who others or I have made Him out to be. If I had to stop doing everything I was doing in my life right now, if I had to give it all up, especially if I had to give my ultra sense of perfectionism (which I struggle with moment by moment), I would.

Ironically, I have been leading worship with a great friend and brother of mine for quite some time - together we serve the undergraduate campus of Nyack College Manhattan Campus, worshiping together with individuals who come together with us every week to seek God's face, to stand, kneel, sit, BARE and NAKED before Him, recognizing His greatness, His grace, His mercy, His sacrifice ... Week after week, what all of that means to each of us is expressed in a multitude of ways and that sense of community is cultivated deeper, going way beyond what kind of music is played, who is singing, what it all sounds like (Praise Jesus though that our sounds reach the Heavens and bless those of us in the room, which leads me to believe that we bless the Heavens just as they are blessing us while we extend our hands in worship of our Creator, Savior, and Beloved).

As a worship leader, I am passionate about first, the fixing of my own eyes, heart, mind, and soul on Jesus AND what inspires that even more on a daily basis is what God allows me to see, be a witness to, and to take part in - which is other individuals who regardless of what they look like, how they speak, what they wear, even how I have pre-judged them to be, share in that same passion - fixing of the eyes, heart, mind, and soul on Jesus. As someone who sees herself as being more than what she does, I daily recognize more and more within myself a growing need to follow after Jesus in an even closer way - to shepherd the way He does, to nurture the way He does, to listen the way He does, to follow after the Father the way He does, to trust and obey the way He does ...

I want to be a soul alive. I want to be a soul made alive by my Beloved ... I want the air He breathes into my being to be the only thing that I rely on. I want the Word He speaks into my being to be the only ones I take so seriously that they truly change my life - my inner life first and then for the overflow to work its way into my outer life.

And even at my writing of this, I realize, I KNOW that I have already been made alive ... My soul has already been breathed into by the Almighty. It is my own shame and guilt, my own sense of twisted perfectionism that hinders us from becoming even closer than we are. I never understand why God (being who He is) just doesn't force His way in. I have kept testing Him over and over to see if He would ... And, He never has; He STILL hasn't. I can pretty confidently say that He NEVER will. That is HUGE revelation for me because there are not too many people or things that I am confident about these days, and for a very, VERY long time included in that list was God. After so many years of being together though (it seems like it's been so long that I stopped counting, somewhere down the line), He has really and truly proven Himself to be a safe place, a safe Person, that our friendship and relationship is SAFE ... I can trust that He is not only here with me as I am writing this, but that He is proud of me, that He loves me, that even though I really don't know how to completely verbalize what He has been to me, who He is to me now, and what He has done over and over to show me His love and commitment to me, He STILL sees me as precious, as a vital part of the Kingdom, and a special blessing to those who already know Him and those who don't quite know Him yet.

I've got news for you ............. Yes, uh huh, YOU (the pair of eyes reading this): I don't know what you have heard about Jesus so far. I haven't a clue. Maybe you're tired of people "selling" you "things" (hearing all these different things from different people, different words and ideas that you may not even understand) ... Since your "bag" already has stuff in it anyway, I hope that you'll make room for this: That God, He has room for YOU. He has a place just for you. He has a place in His heart, in His Kingdom, FOR YOU. He does. He REALLY does. It might be hard to believe (trust me, I know ... I KNOW.) I may not have traveled down the same path as you to get to the point where I really have repeatedly thought that I am not good enough for God, for Jesus, for the Bible, for church ... You've thought that, yes? Many of us have, if not all of us. It's OKAY. Thinking that does not invalidate you. The thing is, you are MORE than good enough (because I believe that God has set His image in each of us (see Genesis 1 in the Bible) and it has not been totally lost. It might be marred, but not completely lost) which makes you more than good enough for a relationship - not a religion, not a set of rules, not some Book that you see as something that is held over you or dictates your life... A relationship - Someone who is willing to love you, be there for you, hold your hand, guide you, walk WITH you, Someone who cares SO much that He would not stand by and watch you continue on a path because you think you are not worth it. The truth is, you ARE worth Someone's time, love, and energy. That Someone is Jesus. He died for you AND rose again for you. He died so that you could live. He rose again so that you could live healthily. He did it all for me too, so we, WE are worth it (insert shampoo commercial here).

If after you've read everything and will forget most of it, please remember, please take away this one thing and keep it somewhere inside of you so that no matter what, no matter how chaotic and messy life (whether it be inner life or outer life) may get, you dig deep and are able to find this precious and priceless truth: You ARE good enough and you ARE worth it. What Jesus did makes you more than good enough ... What He did on Calvary (death on a cross) and what He did after that (rising again), makes you more than good enough.

Open up your eyes wide and look at what He did, what He does, and open up your heart, mind, and soul to what He is willing and able to still do - in your life personally AND in the lives of others (whether they be those around you or those half way across the world).

He is able.