Confession of Faith

Straight from the scribbling in my journal ... | 11:22 AM |

Before I go in any deeper, I'm going to start by jotting down my prayer from earlier this morning: Gentle, Intense, Kind, Full of DEPTH ... Father God, Lord and Savior, King of my heart, this is how I see You. Teach me how to follow You, seek You, serve You, and those You bled and died then rose again for ... Teach me how to love, teach me how to forgive ... others and myself as well. Make me, mold me to be more and more teachable ... And use every day You bless me with to live, use every moment, to teach me more about who You are, and how in following You I am to become more like You.

There is so much to unpack ... My brain/mind is bubbling up with all this stuff that I just want to be honest about that I have been so afraid to be honest about before because I let the thought, 'You're a Christian and having/entertaining this/these thing(s)is wrong and you are surely going to Hell by default,'imprison me and plague every waking moment of my life, Christian life - every aspect of my life - friendships, relationships, finances, family, church ... Because I have always felt and still feel that my life is filled with things I do wrong on a daily basis. The follow-up thought is, 'I don't deserve anything good,' which over the years grew into, 'I don't deserve to live' because I waste every day of my life thinking, reading (what is reading aloud going to do ...) I stay in my apartment (and rather enjoy it and like it) because people don't/can't see my sadness, my feeling/looking unworthy, being afraid, being in despair, being angry at myself for thinking bad, evil, and contrary to biblical truth thoughts. Day in and day out, my mind and my heart were/are filled with these thoughts, feelings, emotions - and at some point, my actions and behaviors (much of it unseen by others, thanks to YouTube and the internet) began to match up with what I was thinking, feeling about myself.

I became and have become so self absorbed that I can barely look at God for more than a couple of seconds without feeling unworthy and guilty all over again. Maybe that is why I am inwardly and outwardly so opposed to presentations of the Gospel that are so extremist in preaching about how one is a sinner - for someone who struggles with and entertains guilt on a daily basis, that is like adding more fuel to the fire that is already burning big and fast ... I've become so used to flogging myself that I have become accustomed to thinking that God will never bless me (with abundance of food, finances - a gentle, kind, and full of depth boyfriend, fiance, and husband) and He is right not to bless me because I have done and continue to do so many things wrong, think so many wrong things, and even in following Him I get it wrong all the time, every time. I wonder often about whether He is counting because I know that I've tried to count but gave up at some point because it just became so regular, my doing things wrong - sinning in action, thought, attitude ... I couldn't and still can't understand why God would not just give up and let go of me because it's like that saying, He's only beating a dead horse over and over again - what's the use? I wonder how He doesn't ever get tired of me getting it wrong, tired of me always saying I'm sorry, tired of me trying and then messing up again - tired of this continuous cycle in our relationship over the past 10+ years we've been in this relationship ...

This relationship has been so one-sided in that God is so loving and I have just not known how or not been able to receive His love (or anyone else's for that matter) ... And it's not like there's this how-to manual on the subject ... I mean not even the Bible says exactly how to do all that. So, how is faith supposed to come in when guilt and unworthiness (a lethal combination) are always getting in the way and fogging things up? I can repeat out loud the Christian easy answer and say that God will shine light, reveal truth, and illuminate the promise of God in all and every situation(s) - which I do, in my heart of hearts believe ... All the while expressing that to maintain that belief and practically apply it to my own life is a very CHALLENGING task - a very radical way of thinking, doing, expression, being ... Where do I even begin on the inside of myself, attempting these? Because at the core, root of all this is my reality - which may not be/is not God's truth, but for as long as I began to see myself as a failure and never being able to live up to my parents, society and then later on, God's standards (which was from about 5th grade on), I began to feel very deeply that I didn't/don't deserve to live ... As I got deeper in relationship with God, that feeling, way of thinking began to evolve into an even bigger thing than it had been in my younger years.

After having been through the betrayal of Christian adult role models, then there came two encounters of sexual abuse with two Christian men who I saw as brothers, then spiritual abuse and manipulation through a pastoral relationship, and now to this current situation of my having been raped (once again by a Christian man who I considered a brother), the question, accusation, and thought pattern of 'What have you done wrong? Why would you allow yourself to do those wrong things? You keep messing up over and over again, you're no good, it's not any good, there's no use ... You don't deserve to live ... Why does God take other people away and not you?' All of these stare at me in the face moment by moment, day by day ... And these (whether they are self accusations or Satan's accusations is not really the point, at this moment) because knowing where they come from doesn't really help me to cease thinking in these ways about myself, neither does plastering Scripture, song lyrics, or Christian/biblical messages all over my walls, Facebook page, or desktop - The reality I'm in right now is that I don't want to be here (on this earth, feeling these things, thinking these things), that it's hard for me to walk down the street and face people, let alone walk the 10 blocks to church and face people there - not only do I have to face them there just by saying a simple "hello", but I have to face them through being up front, singing on the worship team ... Why God ... Why?!

Even in my state of distress, distraught-ness, and darkness, why? Why do You still have me up on a platform, in front of people, why do You still want me to be out in the world at work and internship, in front of people speaking to them on Your behalf? I am not by any means Your "trophy wife" so to speak, I am clumsy, I stutter, my voice cracks, sometimes my thoughts don't make sense, I am long-winded, I wonder if people can really follow what I am thinking, saying or writing ... Just like I wonder if You're being able to do the same right now as You're either looking down at me or sitting next to me, watching me scribble this down pretty fast ... I wonder what You're thinking, I wonder what You see, I wonder why You're choosing to stay here with me when You could be somewhere else, spending time with someone so much more exciting, less boring, that can go and show You things that are so much more worth Your time ... So, why do You stay here, sitting with me while I'm journaling, when I'm not even flattering You, telling You good things about Yourself ... But instead I'm telling You how I don't want to live, don't want to serve, and don't want to go to church ... All of these, things that I consider failures of my own. If anyone else were sitting here telling me those things, my heart would be going out to them and I'd be telling them how much You love them, still want to be in a relationship with them, how much You want to change their life - but I just can't seem to have that heart for myself, can't seem to tell myself those same things - I just can't seem to see myself the way that You see me and right now (it's been like this for the last I don't know how many years), where I haven't wanted to and I can say that I still don't want to ... see myself the way You see me.

What's stopping me? Probably a lot of what's stopping a lot of other people: sadness, guilt, shame, self-blame, self anger, and just confusion over Your kind of love that is not like the love of any person - parent, sibling, acquaintance, friend ... Your love is like an out-of-this-world love that I have never understood and still don't understand ... which leaves me here to ask, why do You still keep me going? I don't expect it to be answered right away ... I don't even expect it to be answered ever, but I know, knowing myself, that for as long as I am going to be here on this earth, there is not a moment where I will not be asking You this within myself. And that is where things have been ... That is where things still are ... It's all out on the table ... because that is all I know how to do, that is all I know to give ... In response to that old hymn, "Is your best/your all on the altar?" | 12:35 pm |