As I sit down to write this, the soundtrack playing in my head is Sheryl Crow's, "Life is a Winding Road" and that it has been. I'm going to start off this blog with the following: "“Can two walk together unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3) I start out with that because well, I identify myself as a Christian and Megan, she does not (at least not yet, anyway). Over the years, I have shared about my friendship with Megan to just a handful of people. Those who are Christian would always at some point mention how there must be no accountability, or even question how it is possible for us to be so close in friendship because we share different beliefs. In response, I would always attempt to share with the people who asked questions, were curious, or just wondered about how such a friendship works, that we may not share the same belief (the one that happens to have the most priority in my life), but that we do share the same beliefs in other areas that are of great importance and value to the both of us. At the core of our friendship, we share the belief that there is extreme value in the other, in the life of the other (and with that comes their person - their opinions, thoughts, feelings). And because of that shared belief of mutual importance and value, we have always considered whatever came out of the other, even if it was to express afterwards, that we did not agree.
For me, what makes friendship priceless are the moments shared together ... They don't have to be extravagant, they can be the most mundane of activities, but the sharing in life moments together when possible, is the greatest gift of all. In middle school, seeing each other on the bus after those hard days in school, in high school, getting driven home by Meg, rolling down the windows in the car, listening to her sing to 80s music (which she still does). To after I moved out to the city, whenever I would be back in Jersey for Christmas Break, I would always make sure that a Saturday night would be all ours, no matter how long and how late we stayed up. Now, when it comes to staying up, I think I have been way expired. I have a really hard time staying up super late, my attention span goes out the window and all I can think about is sleep ... BUT, because these are the moments that make up friendship, help progress a friendship, I did my best to be present, to be there (of course, the bag of chocolate and assorted candy Meg would bring over helped a whole lot). Next Christmas, I should tell her to make a pit stop at Dunkin Donuts and get me some coffee :)
One of the things I have had (and still have) the hardest time doing is telling someone that I don't like something, that I don't want to go somewhere, that I don't want to do something ... and most times, it's for no specific reason at all, other than the fact that I just don't like it, don't want to go, don't want to do it. I think it was two Falls ago, at least it was two Christmases ago (I think) when I fessed up to her about it. Earlier on in the summer, Megs had told me that she wanted to come out to the city to see a musical or was it actually a concert (80s music). I knew that she loved 80s music and went to concerts occasionally, but I didn't know if I would necessarily like the music. Since I knew she liked it so much and I wanted to spend time with her, I reluctantly agreed without telling her that I really didn't want to go (because I don't like huge crowds, etc. etc.) By late summer, I had came up with this little lie about having to go somewhere and not being able to make it for the concert in the city. The lying KILLED me inside (I am a horrible liar because I don't do it often). The next time I saw her, which was a semester or two later (quite some time had passed), in between catching up, I confessed to her that I had lied about having to go somewhere, only to get out of going to the concert. She then proceeded to tell me that she was pretty angry about it, but had gotten over it, because our friendship was too important to loose over something like that. I asked her forgiveness for lying to her and told her that I thought I had as good as lost her because in my eyes, I did something I swore I would never do, especially not to her.
To be able to confess to her was BIG for me. I used to be someone who struggled really hard with confessing my wrongs, my weaknesses (this one is still a bit hard for me, much of the time), but I believe that it was because of that safe place that was created in our friendship, that helped my being able to truly let down my hair, be myself, and not have to pretend to be someone that I would have such a hard time playing the role of. I would be brave enough to say that we are that for each other, in the context of our friendship. As I mentioned earlier, some people would argue that because she is not a Christian, there was/is no accountability. I could see their point and at the same time, because she has known me for 12-13 years, she doesn't call me to go do certain things because she knows who I am. She respects me and my faith. She loves me. Knowing that she still loved me (even after I had lied to her and didn't tell her right away), gave me the courage to go to her with another confession (or I would call it more of a confession of struggle). This was confession that centered around a personal struggle. She listened, asked me questions, listened some more, and said a thing or two in between. She listened to me, I listened to her. I was able to look her in the eye and she never, at least I never sensed at any point, that she emotionally distanced herself from me (like I expected her to). In conversations with other people I had tried to share with, there was often points in the conversations where the silence would go on forever and the conversation would end like that (which left me discouraged). I understood and recognized at some level that some people, especially some people who are a part of the evangelical community and culture did not know what to do with what they were being told). So, it came off as whatever I had tried to be forthcoming with was just dismissed, instead of people telling me, "I honestly do not know what to do with that," or "I don't know how to process that right now."
Back to the confessional conversation I had with Megan (two Christmases ago if I remember correctly), that conversation changed my life. It freed me to heal ... And Megs, she has always loved me but after that conversation, I think her love for me grew deeper and mine for her grew deeper because she really proved to be the friend that God had used and still uses to lead me to the cross, you know ... More than any pastor, Christian, or sermon has ever done for me. I would say that incident along with having to go to two Al-a-non (a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics) meetings for a Marriage & Family Counseling class assignment ... Just being there, changed my life, my perspective on my own personal journey with the issues I was facing (and am to some degree, still facing). Even though our modern culture, society, and world says it's okay to do this or that or be this or that, my choice is not to be, for my own reasons ... It's a choice I make daily.
In my friendship with Megan, I have learned and I am still learning what it means and looks like to love unconditionally. To be clear, to love unconditionally does not mean that I agree with everything Meg chooses to do or that she agrees with everything I choose to do because I am pretty sure that we don't agree with some things that we both choose to do. We both know that about each other. In the same token, in light of that, we both know that the love is there - the unconditional acceptance of the person (what someone does, does not define who they are), is fully present. Do I want to see Megan in Heaven? Yes. She knows this full well. Do I want the chance to see her come into a relationship with Jesus? Yes. She also knows this full well. She also knows that whenever she wants to try going in that direction, I am right there, like I have always been - praying for her, we'll laugh together, cry together, think together, talk together, just like we have always been doing. Whether I live to see this happen or not (and I sure hope I do), but regardless, all I can do is live my life with her in it and she live her life with me in it ... With me knowing that God knows exactly what He is doing, trusting that He will keep guiding and leading people to Himself, with me or without me. I just happen to be here to go along for the ride right now. That's really all that can be said ... Hopefully, in my time here on earth, my Christian witness speaks volumes louder than my written and/or verbalized words. The one thing a lot of Christians know how to do is talk a good talk (whether it's through debates, apologetics, some other forum or platform). It's been a long time coming since many of us have actually put stock, more stock into walking a good walk.
I started off with a Scripture verse, so I'll end with one: "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion ..." (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) For me, as a Christian, that is a part of my mission, to lift up whoever it is that comes across my path, in hopes that more seeds are planted, more hearts are softened, more doors become open (so that myself and others are able to share and talk about Jesus and people actually stop to listen - just to listen so maybe stuff can sink in), instead of people listening to debate or argue back and forth.
Finally (really finally), I have this written down in the front cover of a Bible or two as a daily reminder for myself: "Not that we're trying to advance our kingdom, but that we're trying to advance the Kingdom of God and establish His way in the earth." - Tauren Wells
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